Manifest your dreams

Updated: Oct 21

Why your positive affirmations aren’t working

and what to do instead

It seems like "mindfulness practices" – among them, the positive daily affirmations we are instructed to tell ourselves, like "I matter," "I am beautiful," or "I am enough" – are all the rage these days. We, too, are huge advocates for a mindfulness approach to self-care. Yet, so many people say the words to themselves every day, and still feel unworthy, still experience spiraling thoughts of self-loathing or disrespect, and still struggle with damaging negative thoughts about themselves. So why aren't these affirmations working for so many of us?

To understand (and fix!) the problem, we first have to understand some basic ideas about how the different parts of our brains work together. You might have heard of the “left brain” and the “right brain,” which control different parts of our bodies and are associated with different important tasks, like using logic (left brain)to solve problems and emotion (right brain) to inform us about our surroundings. But did you know that there’s a third part, which we call the “animal brain”? Located toward the back, this is the part of our brain that develops first in utero and is responsible for the things we don’t really think about – our impulses and our instinct or the fact that gravity exists. It is the part of our brain that is most like the brains of our animal relatives – primates, other mammals, and even reptiles. In some ways, you can think of it as the un-evolved part of us that lies deep inside.

Even though we don’t “use” our animal brain the way we “use” the other parts of our brain, it is still very involved in how we experience our lives. In fact, it is fundamental to how your brain gathers information and interprets that information in order to construct your world view. It is the part of your brain that tells you to duck before you even realize that there’s a ball headed toward your head, or tells you that there’s something “off” about that person you just met, causing you to decide not to meet them for coffee. Our animal brain is very good at finding threats in the world, and keeping us safe.

Most mindfulness practices only engage the left brain. They are approached as logical processes: I will stand in front of the mirror every day and say these words and I will feel better about myself.

Can you see where there might be a problem with this approach?

For meaningful change to happen, you actually have to reconsolidate your memories. It’s not enough to combat negative core beliefs with positive statements; you have to re-build your inner self with different core beliefs altogether. You need positive statements for your left brain, and positive feelings for your right brain, and positive impulses for your animal brain. Once you recognize this, it’s really not that hard to do. Try this exercise and see what happens!

Pick a positive affirmation from the list below:

I am strong

I can handle it

I belong

I am enough

I can choose who to trust

I survived

I capable

I do my best

I deserve love

I am lovable

I am fine the way that I am

I can make my needs known

I learned from it

When starting EMDR work, we have an activity that will work very well for you at home too! Think of a moment in your life when that felt true. It can be any memory in which it felt true no matter how big or small. It can be a vacation, a moment in time, the first time you heard a favorite song, read a favorite book, watched a favorite movie. Your wedding day, birth of a child, the view of a sunrise, sunset, or watched the sun shine through the leaves of a tree.

Identify a snapshot moment from that memory that represents the very best part of that experience.

Once you’ve picked the memory you want to use, cross your arms over your chest so that one hand is over your heart and the other is on the opposite side of your chest.

Now, in that image, look straight ahead and notice or identify what you see.

(slowly tap each hand one then the other, 10 times, take a deep breathe)

Look to your left and notice what you hear.